There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
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I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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