You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
