I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
