What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
