She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
