when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
