Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
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I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
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I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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