I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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