You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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