I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
