She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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