then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
