Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
