Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
