Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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