I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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