get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
