fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
