If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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