I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
