The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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