I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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