I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
