Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
