I think i sorta joined a cult last night
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
