I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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