My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
