i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
