Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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