I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
