guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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