apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
