remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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