Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
