apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
