I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
