checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
