3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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