I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
