He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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