your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
