I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
