then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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