I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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