its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
