i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
