WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
