i just sent this text using only my big toe
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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