I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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