so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
