3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
