I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
mondays should just be called national damage control day
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
