I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
